Listen to the show to hear the whole story. Here’s what happened to the copy (The original is first, the revised version is in blue and my comments are in italics.)

“Boulder” funny/punny yet still understandable because it’s a homonym
Good start on a visual theme: prehistoric. But, we can jazz it up a little!

A “Boulder” Way to Market Your Business

If I asked you to come up with a word to describe your business marketing activities, I’d be willing to bet that “fun” would not be at the top of your list.

Truthfully, I’d be surprised if it landed in your top ten.

Quick! What’s the first word that comes to your mind when you think of marketing your business! What? You mean “fun” wasn’t the first thing you thought of?
Heck, it’s not even in the top ten, is it?

Starting with questions engages readers, makes them think and helps move them along to the next question. Also, the urgency and excitement are a better fit with the personality of Traci and Neanderthal Marketing. The form of address is different as well, now we’re speaking directly to the reader.

Business owners have simply come to expect that the day-to-day tasks of marketing their business can’t be anything more than drudgery — and it blocks them like a two-ton boulder in their path to success.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Marketing your business doesn’t have to be a two-ton boulder blocking your path to success.

Fewer words=easier to read and stronger imagery. If you can say something in fewer words rather than more, do it! The result is stronger, more appealing and easier to understand. 

In fact, if you are looking for ways to ROCK your business without reinventing the wheel, and doing so with a host that doesn’t take herself all that seriously, then you’ve come to the right place. I’ll help you take that boulder, and chisel it down into a wheel that rolls over the obstacles in your way, and carries you toward your goals.

You’ve come to the right place for ways to ROCK your business without reinventing the wheel with a host who can laugh at herself and everything else. Let’s grab a chisel and whack that boulder down into a set of wheels that will crush anything between you and your business goals.

Pet Peeve alert: the phrase “in fact” is redundant; if it’s not a fact, why are we saying it? I’ve had this hang-up since a technical writing class in college where the professor was rabid about it. Consider “the fact that” and “to be honest” in this same category. Just cut ‘em out!

Use descriptive active words – grab, whack, crush –that make reading more interesting. They “sound” better as you read, even though you may not be reading aloud, because we “hear” the words as we read.

Choose descriptive words that support the theme; in this case prehistoric. For example: roll sounds soft and is, well, kind of lame.

Try these: run roughshod (both alliterative and descriptive), flatten, level, pulverize, crush, annihilate, demolish, shatter, smash, and there’s more but that’s enough to work with.
Here both crush and smash are good candidates with their active hard sounds. Pulverize is good but seems a little too ten-cent for prehistoric times.

I chose crush because it reads slightly better and is more visceral with a harder sound.

Each weekly episode of the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show tackles a topic of interest to business owners. Whether it’s merchant accounts, networking best practices, or new social media venues — your intrepid host endeavors to break it down into actionable tasks and tips. Episodes run approximately 30 minutes on average, and many also include companion URLs and tip sheets to help you put the information into practice right away.

Tackle the tough stuff facing every business owner on the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show.  Come with me once a week and we’ll hack through the tangle of merchant accounts, networking best practices, or new social media venues while breaking it all down into actionable tasks and tips. You’ll get about thirty minutes of business marketing know-how as well as occasional URL’s and tip sheets to start using what you’ve learned on the spot.

 Again, start with active words: tackle at the beginning catches the eye. “Tough stuff” is a nice pseudo rhyme that keeps the sentence rolling along.
I call this type of paragraph a nuts-and-bolts paragraph because it conveys facts. They can be tricky to write since the information is necessary but you run the risk of it turning into a blah-blah-blah list.

Traci used the term “intrepid” and that gave me the idea of turning the paragraph into a visual analogy for adventuring to make it more entertaining to read.

I’m serious about helping folks take their business to the next level, and I deliver content in a way that won’t put you to sleep in the process. I invite you to join me each week for tips, tools and resources to rock your business without reinventing the wheel!

I want to help you take your business to the top of the food chain and I won’t bore you to death on the way there. Join me each week for tips, tools and resources to rock your business without reinventing the wheel!

Cliché alert: “The next level” – what does that mean? It sounds like business jargon. Is there a better way to convey the idea that keeps with our theme? Yes, I know that “top of the food chain” is a cliché as well, but at least it’s closer to the theme we’re using.

A note about word choices overall: The immediacy and active feel is enhanced by the choices of hard sounds and active verbs. That feeling and imagery wouldn’t work for everyone but it suits both Traci and Neanderthal Marketing. Keep in mind that keywords definitely play a role and would guide your choices.

Now, hop on over and listen to the show – there’s lots more to hear and listeners get a special limited offer for copy magic!

Original: 279 Words
Revised:  226
Lost: 53 words/19%
Gained: Stronger story and imagery

Final:

A “Boulder” Way to Market Your Business

Quick! What’s the first word that comes to your mind when you think of marketing your business! What? You mean “fun” wasn’t the first thing you thought of?

Heck, it’s not even in the top ten, is it?

Marketing your business doesn’t have to be a two-ton boulder blocking your path to success.

You’ve come to the right place for ways to ROCK your business without reinventing the wheel with a host who can laugh at herself and everything else. Let’s grab a chisel and whack that boulder down into a set of wheels that will crush anything between you and your goals.

Tackle the tough stuff facing every business owner on the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show.  Come with me once a week and we’ll hack through the tangle of merchant accounts, networking best practices, or new social media venues while breaking it all down into actionable tasks and tips. You’ll get about thirty minutes of business marketing know-how as well as occasional URL’s and tip sheets to start using what you’ve learned on the spot.  

I want to help you take your business to the top of the food chain and I won’t bore you to death on the way there. Join me each week for tips, tools and resources to rock your business without reinventing the wheel!

Isn’t that better? Go on and listen to the show because we talked about plenty of other stuff and get your own copy magic!

Be nice to them.

It really is that simple but it’s shocking how many businesses are negative or even hostile to their customers without being aware of it. Today’s mini-makeover comes from the accounting world as an excerpt of tax return submission instructions from a letter sent to clients.

You’ve Got Mail

(Capitalization is from the original.)

“Due to the turnaround time necessary for in-house procedures and computer operations, it is vital to send in your tax information EARLY. We cannot promise to complete returns that are sent to us in April. PLEASE send only complete information—sending in information bit by bit will incur extra charges.

PLEASE DO NOT SEND PERSONAL TAX INFO IN THE SAME PACKAGE AS ANY PARTNERSHIP, LLC, OR CORPORATE INFORMATION.”

Not Lovin’ This

There are two ways to read this, as the long suffering accountant who has to deal with all those shoeboxes and tote bags of records and scraps of paper; or, as the paying client with a mile long to-do list and a bank officer breathing down their neck.

Since this is about what makes customers happy, let’s look at it from their side.

• First, all those capitals are shouting do this and do that. Capitalizing the word “please” doesn’t make it nicer; it’s snarky.
• Then, when their clients read the copy, it’s all about the accountants, their schedule and what they want to make their life easier.  There’s not one scrap that clients care about or that lifts their burden.
• Last, there’s that comment about complete information and extra charges. Nothing puts someone on edge like the threat of a surprise bill.

Let’s Rewrite

“To speed the preparation and processing of your tax return, please send your information as early as possible. We strive to prepare returns quickly and accurately, but missing information will result in longer preparation times and more time and effort for all.

With your information in hand by the end of March, we can complete your returns by the due date. To ensure that important information is properly included in all your returns, please separate personal tax information from business items.”

Feel the Love

The revised version emphasizes the benefits to the firm’s client of speedy tax preparation, accuracy and less effort on their part by following a few friendly suggestions. It’s about the client and their needs as well as communicating professionalism and quality service from the company.

Your Business, Your Customers

Don’t be confused because today’s mini-makeover was about accounting. The idea is the same no matter what your product or service. Being nice to your customers and making them happy is good business; after all, they pay you.

What does this say to you? Share your story in the comments!

If your business communications aren’t spreading the love and you want to polish your message, contact me for a makeover.

Everybody Loves a Makeover

Today we’re tackling a product description for soap – beer soap. That’s right, soap made from beer. The brave and kind Delisa Carnegie, who leads the Creativity Rebellion and also makes soap agreed to let me share the before and after versions of her product description.

Photo First

Her photo is great – that’s the first thing to check. Without a good photo, the product description is useless.

Before

Your throat is dry and parched. You belly up to the bar. The bar maid gives you a wink and places an ice cold one in front of you.

Bar Wench is my newest handmade soap. This soap is made with Alpha Dog beer from the Laughing Dog Brewery. Brewed in my hometown. Each bar is hand cut and weighs 3-4 oz.

This bar smells so good. It is light, sweet, and fresh. It will not leaving you smelling like beer.

This is a pre-order listing. That’s right she is a popular wench and you have to stand in line. She is totally worth it.

This soap will be ready to ship Sept. 28th when they have finished curing. I have 25 bars available. Convo me if you would like to order more than 1 bar.

Bar Wench ships naked.

After

Dry dust clogs your skin; all you want is a cool refreshing draught. This bar is a sensuous and luxurious amber wench that will make you lick your lips with anticipation.

Drench yourself in the earthy natural scent that comes from the premium specialty beer made with clear cold mountain water and fresh sweet hops. The Laughing Dog Brewery makes Alpha Dog beer in the beautiful Idaho town I call home. After bathing with this bar wench, you’ll feel sexy and smell irresistible, not beery.

Savor the pleasure of my newest handmade soap with hand cut bars that weigh 3-4 ounces for a long lasting affair.

Don’t wait to place your order because there are only 25 wenches currently available for shipping on September 28 after curing. That’s right; she’s getting ready for you so don’t miss out!

If you can handle more than one at a time, just convo me to order more than one bar.

One last thing, this wench ships naked without even a wrapper or a label for decency so she’s ready when you are.

One, Two, Three Things to Sales

Who’s Buying?

We all know that sex sells and soap is a natural fit for that approach. The trick is knowing which sex. In the original, the imagery was more for men than women. But, who buys most handmade soap? The rewritten version is geared more toward women with a ambiguous edge to keep it spicy.

Describe It

Descriptive words – scent, color, feel, taste, were scarce in the original. Using sense words along with telling a story draws the reader into a mental picture where they can imagine themselves in the story.

The revised description starts off in a dry dusty scene where the reader is thirsting for relief. Then we experience the refreshing sluice of clear water, the smell of sweet and clean soap and the shiver of anticipation when we’re done.

But, What does it Do?

A feature is what something is; a benefit is what it does. While you have to include the specific features of the product – the size of the bars, that it’s made with beer, etc. – most buyers are more interested in what the product will do for them. They want to know what the benefits are.

Here, those include things like feeling sexy and smelling irresistible. Who doesn’t want that? Features are necessary but they aren’t what make people part with their money.

Which One Would You Buy?

Here’s what Delisa had to say about the new version:

“You totally wrote what I had in my brain for that listing. I just couldn’t get it out of my brain.”

Go on over and get yourself a bar of this delicious soap, but first, tell me what you think about the after version. Too much, too little, just right?

If you’re struggling with getting the words right in your business, I can make you shine. Just drop me a note, I’d love to help you find you voice.

Administrivia:

If you’re reading this in your reader and scratching your head because you signed up for posts on art and the creative life, don’t worry, you can find that over at MonetteSatterfield.com. As I’ve been sorting through my creative selves, it’s become obvious that my art and pattern design needs its own separate home.

We’ll be using our words here at ShinyDesigns.com to make you and your business shine. Welcome to the new, and eye catching, Shiny Designs; I’m glad to have you here.