Makeover: The Neanderthal Marketing Slash Job

Pink and Blue ScissorsDon’t you love the idea of Neanderthal Marketing? The cavewoman behind this gem is also the host of the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show and I was honored to be her guest on episode 38. We talk about words and how they matter and she let me loose on her home page copy.

Listen to the show to hear the whole story. Here’s what happened to the copy (The original is first, the revised version is in blue and my comments are in italics.)

“Boulder” funny/punny yet still understandable because it’s a homonym
Good start on a visual theme: prehistoric. But, we can jazz it up a little!

A “Boulder” Way to Market Your Business

If I asked you to come up with a word to describe your business marketing activities, I’d be willing to bet that “fun” would not be at the top of your list.

Truthfully, I’d be surprised if it landed in your top ten.

Quick! What’s the first word that comes to your mind when you think of marketing your business! What? You mean “fun” wasn’t the first thing you thought of?
Heck, it’s not even in the top ten, is it?

Starting with questions engages readers, makes them think and helps move them along to the next question. Also, the urgency and excitement are a better fit with the personality of Traci and Neanderthal Marketing. The form of address is different as well, now we’re speaking directly to the reader.

Business owners have simply come to expect that the day-to-day tasks of marketing their business can’t be anything more than drudgery — and it blocks them like a two-ton boulder in their path to success.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Marketing your business doesn’t have to be a two-ton boulder blocking your path to success.

Fewer words=easier to read and stronger imagery. If you can say something in fewer words rather than more, do it! The result is stronger, more appealing and easier to understand. 

In fact, if you are looking for ways to ROCK your business without reinventing the wheel, and doing so with a host that doesn’t take herself all that seriously, then you’ve come to the right place. I’ll help you take that boulder, and chisel it down into a wheel that rolls over the obstacles in your way, and carries you toward your goals.

You’ve come to the right place for ways to ROCK your business without reinventing the wheel with a host who can laugh at herself and everything else. Let’s grab a chisel and whack that boulder down into a set of wheels that will crush anything between you and your business goals.

Pet Peeve alert: the phrase “in fact” is redundant; if it’s not a fact, why are we saying it? I’ve had this hang-up since a technical writing class in college where the professor was rabid about it. Consider “the fact that” and “to be honest” in this same category. Just cut ‘em out!

Use descriptive active words – grab, whack, crush –that make reading more interesting. They “sound” better as you read, even though you may not be reading aloud, because we “hear” the words as we read.

Choose descriptive words that support the theme; in this case prehistoric. For example: roll sounds soft and is, well, kind of lame.

Try these: run roughshod (both alliterative and descriptive), flatten, level, pulverize, crush, annihilate, demolish, shatter, smash, and there’s more but that’s enough to work with.
Here both crush and smash are good candidates with their active hard sounds. Pulverize is good but seems a little too ten-cent for prehistoric times.

I chose crush because it reads slightly better and is more visceral with a harder sound.

Each weekly episode of the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show tackles a topic of interest to business owners. Whether it’s merchant accounts, networking best practices, or new social media venues — your intrepid host endeavors to break it down into actionable tasks and tips. Episodes run approximately 30 minutes on average, and many also include companion URLs and tip sheets to help you put the information into practice right away.

Tackle the tough stuff facing every business owner on the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show.  Come with me once a week and we’ll hack through the tangle of merchant accounts, networking best practices, or new social media venues while breaking it all down into actionable tasks and tips. You’ll get about thirty minutes of business marketing know-how as well as occasional URL’s and tip sheets to start using what you’ve learned on the spot.

 Again, start with active words: tackle at the beginning catches the eye. “Tough stuff” is a nice pseudo rhyme that keeps the sentence rolling along.
I call this type of paragraph a nuts-and-bolts paragraph because it conveys facts. They can be tricky to write since the information is necessary but you run the risk of it turning into a blah-blah-blah list.

Traci used the term “intrepid” and that gave me the idea of turning the paragraph into a visual analogy for adventuring to make it more entertaining to read.

I’m serious about helping folks take their business to the next level, and I deliver content in a way that won’t put you to sleep in the process. I invite you to join me each week for tips, tools and resources to rock your business without reinventing the wheel!

I want to help you take your business to the top of the food chain and I won’t bore you to death on the way there. Join me each week for tips, tools and resources to rock your business without reinventing the wheel!

Cliché alert: “The next level” – what does that mean? It sounds like business jargon. Is there a better way to convey the idea that keeps with our theme? Yes, I know that “top of the food chain” is a cliché as well, but at least it’s closer to the theme we’re using.

A note about word choices overall: The immediacy and active feel is enhanced by the choices of hard sounds and active verbs. That feeling and imagery wouldn’t work for everyone but it suits both Traci and Neanderthal Marketing. Keep in mind that keywords definitely play a role and would guide your choices.

Now, hop on over and listen to the show – there’s lots more to hear and listeners get a special limited offer for copy magic!

Original: 279 Words
Revised:  226
Lost: 53 words/19%
Gained: Stronger story and imagery

Final:

A “Boulder” Way to Market Your Business

Quick! What’s the first word that comes to your mind when you think of marketing your business! What? You mean “fun” wasn’t the first thing you thought of?

Heck, it’s not even in the top ten, is it?

Marketing your business doesn’t have to be a two-ton boulder blocking your path to success.

You’ve come to the right place for ways to ROCK your business without reinventing the wheel with a host who can laugh at herself and everything else. Let’s grab a chisel and whack that boulder down into a set of wheels that will crush anything between you and your goals.

Tackle the tough stuff facing every business owner on the Neanderthal Marketing Radio Show.  Come with me once a week and we’ll hack through the tangle of merchant accounts, networking best practices, or new social media venues while breaking it all down into actionable tasks and tips. You’ll get about thirty minutes of business marketing know-how as well as occasional URL’s and tip sheets to start using what you’ve learned on the spot.  

I want to help you take your business to the top of the food chain and I won’t bore you to death on the way there. Join me each week for tips, tools and resources to rock your business without reinventing the wheel!

Isn’t that better? Go on and listen to the show because we talked about plenty of other stuff and get your own copy magic!