Everybody Loves a Makeover
Today we’re tackling a product description for soap – beer soap. That’s right, soap made from beer. The brave and kind Delisa Carnegie, who leads the Creativity Rebellion and also makes soap agreed to let me share the before and after versions of her product description.
Her photo is great – that’s the first thing to check. Without a good photo, the product description is useless.
Your throat is dry and parched. You belly up to the bar. The bar maid gives you a wink and places an ice cold one in front of you.
Bar Wench is my newest handmade soap. This soap is made with Alpha Dog beer from the Laughing Dog Brewery. Brewed in my hometown. Each bar is hand cut and weighs 3-4 oz.
This bar smells so good. It is light, sweet, and fresh. It will not leaving you smelling like beer.
This is a pre-order listing. That’s right she is a popular wench and you have to stand in line. She is totally worth it.
This soap will be ready to ship Sept. 28th when they have finished curing. I have 25 bars available. Convo me if you would like to order more than 1 bar.
Bar Wench ships naked.
Dry dust clogs your skin; all you want is a cool refreshing draught. This bar is a sensuous and luxurious amber wench that will make you lick your lips with anticipation.
Drench yourself in the earthy natural scent that comes from the premium specialty beer made with clear cold mountain water and fresh sweet hops. The Laughing Dog Brewery makes Alpha Dog beer in the beautiful Idaho town I call home. After bathing with this bar wench, you’ll feel sexy and smell irresistible, not beery.
Savor the pleasure of my newest handmade soap with hand cut bars that weigh 3-4 ounces for a long lasting affair.
Don’t wait to place your order because there are only 25 wenches currently available for shipping on September 28 after curing. That’s right; she’s getting ready for you so don’t miss out!
If you can handle more than one at a time, just convo me to order more than one bar.
One last thing, this wench ships naked without even a wrapper or a label for decency so she’s ready when you are.
One, Two, Three Things to Sales
We all know that sex sells and soap is a natural fit for that approach. The trick is knowing which sex. In the original, the imagery was more for men than women. But, who buys most handmade soap? The rewritten version is geared more toward women with a ambiguous edge to keep it spicy.
Descriptive words – scent, color, feel, taste, were scarce in the original. Using sense words along with telling a story draws the reader into a mental picture where they can imagine themselves in the story.
The revised description starts off in a dry dusty scene where the reader is thirsting for relief. Then we experience the refreshing sluice of clear water, the smell of sweet and clean soap and the shiver of anticipation when we’re done.
But, What does it Do?
A feature is what something is; a benefit is what it does. While you have to include the specific features of the product – the size of the bars, that it’s made with beer, etc. – most buyers are more interested in what the product will do for them. They want to know what the benefits are.
Here, those include things like feeling sexy and smelling irresistible. Who doesn’t want that? Features are necessary but they aren’t what make people part with their money.
Which One Would You Buy?
Here’s what Delisa had to say about the new version:
“You totally wrote what I had in my brain for that listing. I just couldn’t get it out of my brain.”
Go on over and get yourself a bar of this delicious soap, but first, tell me what you think about the after version. Too much, too little, just right?
If you’re struggling with getting the words right in your business, I can make you shine. Just drop me a note, I’d love to help you find you voice.
If you’re reading this in your reader and scratching your head because you signed up for posts on art and the creative life, don’t worry, you can find that over at MonetteSatterfield.com. As I’ve been sorting through my creative selves, it’s become obvious that my art and pattern design needs its own separate home.
We’ll be using our words here at ShinyDesigns.com to make you and your business shine. Welcome to the new, and eye catching, Shiny Designs; I’m glad to have you here.